Saturday, the first-place Wizards invited me to handle the sideline reporting duties as FC Dallas came to town. My first concern? I needed to brush up on my MLS. Second concern? How would my ivory bisque foundation hold up for three hours? The horror!
With all respect to the organization, it could be seen as a slight risk to ask me to interview players, coaches and overall identify key pieces of information to the match on the fly. I proudly don the uniform of official Wizards Cheerleader on Kansas City airwaves (it was a tight race between me and Tony Meolas mailman). But, a soccer audience is acutely aware to the nuances of the sport. Could I survive the minefield of kits, corner kicks and a game clock that counted up?
It should be noted, this would not be my first stab at soccer broadcasting. My first job at a commercial station was in college, handling the pre-game and post-game shows for the A-League Rochester (NY) Rhinos on the radio station WYSL 770. Yes, they actually put soccer on the radio there. Yes, they actually do soccer post-game call-in shows there. Yes, the station was actually a double-wide trailer next to an ostrich farm. Yes, at 20-years-old I did anything for a paycheck.
But this was a different animal. It was the MLS. It was players on the U.S. national team. It was television. I needed my makeup.
My running diary:
3:12p. Searching MLSnet.com for interesting tidbits for the broadcast. Did you know Clay Aiken is performing at an upcoming FC Dallas game, while the Wizards are inviting Mario Lopez to town next weekend? While Zack Morris never liked A.C. Slater, even Screech could have kicked Clay Aikens ass. Advantage: Kansas City.
4:10p. I have just learned you can receive up-to-the-minute Houston Dynamo scores on your cell phone for a mere $1.99 per month. Thats like, 50-cents per goal. Prep work complete.
5:02p. Arrive at Arrowhead Stadium for the 7:00p kick. My foundation was applied liberally at home, but I have my doubts. Guys apply makeup like they are hanging gutters; clumsily, uneven, in need of a power tool. It is 87-degrees on the field. This could be bad.
5:23p. Wizards are serving some incredible pre-game Mexican food for the media and front-office. Apparently, this is from a place called Mexico Lindo out on K-7. How much would I pay for King Carl to stroll around the corner and pronounce Mexico Lindo, -Meh-HEE-co LEEN-do- in person? $72.13.
6:03p. Donning the Wizards polo as official uniform of the broadcast team. Hair stays in place. Good times.
6:23p. Begin preparation for interviews I will conduct on the field for the half-hour pre-game show. The pre and post-game shows will be carried only locally on Metro Sports, while the game itself will also be shown across the country on the MLS Direct Kick package. I know exactly zero people who subscribe to the package. This could work to my benefit.
6:33p. Chat with injured Wizards defender Jimmy Conrad. He is dressed like Bobby Baccalieri at a mafioso wedding. He has also rocketed to media darling status after appearing on The DA Show all of last season. He now hosts his own weekly radio show and will be joining the booth for the entire second half. Conrad has beaten the DA Show jinx! Can we convince Mitch Holthus to allow Kendrell Bell in the booth? This would work two-fold. It would keep him away from the field. Plus, he has had plenty of experience sitting back and observing plays unfold in front of him for years now.
6:43p. Conduct an interview with Wizards media relations staffer Erin about upcoming promotions. She is smooth, congenial and would look a lot better than me in this makeup. Plus, she says Cuban Caliente twice without stumbling. We need to switch places... now.
7:01p. Pre-game is over, I think we are in the clear. Until I realize I have to somehow hold up a commemorative Wizards jersey while doing my first in-game hit. Plus, I need to remember it is called a kit, not a jersey in soccer. This could get bad.
7:02p. Tough times. Situating the jersey, with the mic, with the camera, while trying to remember kit? Not very smooth. I looked like a Price-is-Right girl, loopy on Percocets and gin.
7:23p. My first in-game hit comes as FC Dallas scores on a header, to lead 1-nil. This would be the equivalent of Eric Dickerson interrupting Al Michaels on a 75-yard bomb to Randy Moss, to talk about the Patriots draft. The DA Show jinx has hit the host.
7:35p. While keeping an eye on the action on the field, I notice how many beautiful women there are in the stands. The sport is most popular in countries with gorgeous women, like Italy, Mexico, Brazil, Argentina and Spain. We definitely need to market this. How about buy a ticket to a game and a latin model will sit with you and explain offsides? Beats spending $250 mill on David Beckham.
7:45p. Halftime, FC Dallas leads 2-nil. I have to interview Wizards coach Curt Onalfo as he comes out of the locker room after, ahem, speaking with his team. I am worried he might go Roy Williams on me, -DA, I could not give a s--t about FC Dallas.-
7:47p. Onalfo carefully avoids any salty adjectives but his body language suggests he is slightly more excited about gas prices than his team, right now.
8:34p. FC Dallas fans have started up an industrial-sized smoke machine that is belching a dark, grey cloud over the field. Wait, so I get stopped with a tube of Aquafresh at the airport, but somehow these people snuck a smoke-machine the size of Haley Joel Osment into a stadium?
8:56p. The Wizards have finally converted on a scoring chance, cutting the deficit to 2-1. Could be too little, to late. With the broadcast in my ear, I notice just how solid Sean Wheelock is on soccer play-by-play. There are about three people in America that can do this. If you have any broadcast talent at all, you are guided towards football, baseball and basketball in this country. Thats how we get Dave OBrien calling the World Cup Final on ABC, even though he probably thinks MLS is an upcoming CBS-cop-drama.
9:04p. Game over. Wizards fall 2-1. My final two hits were in-game interviews with Wizard Jose Burciaga Jr. and FC Dallas striker Kenny Cooper, after they exited the field for substitutions. Both were more than willing to speak. Could you imagine Larry Johnson talking to Leslie Visser on camera in the fourth-quarter? You have a better chance getting an injury report from Brian Waters jock strap.
9:24p. My final hit comes in the post-game show, as I interview Wizards midfielder Kerry Zavagnin. I have done a fairly decent job covering up my rusty soccer knowledge to this point. Of course, I slip up and drop a Dallas Burn reference while wrapping up with Zavagnin. The franchise stopped using the Burn label three years ago. Damn. Almost had everyone fooled.
All in all, an awesome experience. The guys in the truck were fantastic. The players and coaches were totally approachable. The action was intense for that vantage point. Plus, my makeup didnt run. Take that Clay Aiken!
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A
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Saturday, the first-place Wizards invited me to handle the sideline reporting duties as FC Dallas came to town. My first concern? I needed to brush up on my MLS. Second concern? How would my ivory bisque foundation hold up for three hours? The horror!
