Either Masha Lopatova is the coolest chick to walk the face of the Earth or shes a sinister criminal mastermind. There is no middle ground on this one. Lopatova has granted her husband, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko, the allowance of one night per year to, ahem, enjoy the company of another woman. Most believe the man known as AK-47 (his jersey number is 47) has just struck the lottery. Incorrect! Buyer beware: this is merely a coy trap to put the safety on this assault rifle.
In the current issue of ESPN the Magazine, Masha explains her stance. -What is forbidden is always desirable. And athletes, particularly men, are susceptible to all the things they are offered. Its the same way raising children - If I tell my child, No pizza, no pizza, no pizza, what does he want more than anything? Pizza.- Right on, sister! And extra anchovies!
On the surface, this seems like the coolest gift any woman has ever given. She knows NBA groupies are a dime a dozen, circling the waters at every road hotelÉ even for a 6-9, goofy Russian guy with spiked hair. He looks like someone tossed an Ivan Drago shrinky-dink into the oven. So why not allow her husband the occasional -pre-season tune-up?- Maybe shes right. Its reverse psychology. Like when your dad caught you smoking and made you finish the entire pack right there in front of him, until you puked and couldnÕt look at another cigarette (or in Kid RockÕs case, where his dad slapped him on the back and asked when the tractor-pull started).
Men all around the world are dancing around the water cooler, releasing their inner Chad Johnson. On ESPNs PTI, Michael Wilbon asked, -Aint Mrs. Kirilenko the coolest wife in the world?- His co-host Tony Kornheiser quipped, -She is a top-five wife, all-time.- You can hear the whispers of husbands and boyfriends everywhere: -Maybe not all is lost when I say, -I do.- Maybe this will be the mission statement of the next feminist movement! Yeah honey, burn those bras! IÕll be back in the morning!-
But guys, lets face it. If theres one thing we can all agree on, women arent this cool. Under any circumstances. Ever. Did you hear Andreis almost depressing response? -I'm not planning to do anything. But she said if you want to do it, you can do it. I'm lucky, because I have a wife like Masha, not because of that situation.- Now wait a second. ShouldnÕt this guy be crazy-eyed and nodding his head feverishly like Tom Cruise at a Scientology rally? Would anyone have been surprised to see Kirilenko running into the stands and high-fiving fans against the Clippers this weekend? Instead he looked almost sedated, scoring only eight points and pulling down three rebounds, well below his season averages.
Nope, Kirilenko knows better. This isnt a godsend. This is a penance. Lopatova isnt some sheltered wife trying to good-naturedly appease to her husbands celebrity. Shes a Russian pop music superstar with a perfect understanding of the groupie game. DonÕt do it, Drei. Its all a trap. Lopatovas just leading him into the lions den without a spear. You know what the economy is like over there? For about a million rubles you can get a bowl of borscht with extra leeks. Its the perfect way for her to walk away with millions of American dollars and be set up for life.
As soon as he takes her up on the offer, shes gonna turn around and file for divorce, getting half of his monster contract. According to jazzhoops.net, Kirilenko is guaranteed $88 million over the next six seasons. You donÕt think half that will cover a few -Power Lunches- with Anna Kournikova to Harry Winston jewelers? I hate to be the cruel cynic but the timing is more than the suspicious on this one. The couple has been married for nearly six years now, Kirilenkos been a superstar for more than three and we are just hearing about this deal now? Lopatova knows her window of opportunity is closing. Theyve already been together for five years longer than Jessica and Nick! Celebrity marriages have shorter shelf-lives than the McDonalds fries in -Supersize Me.-
Heck, with this one article poor Andrei has now been stripped of any bargaining power in the potential divorce proceedings. If he acts on the deal, she slices and dices him on the charge of an extra-marital affair. If he doesnÕt, she just weeps, -I tried to be the perfect wife! Just read the March 2006 edition of ESPN the Mag!-
Lopatova even gave away her sinister plan toward the end of the ESPN interview, joking, -girls will be lining up outside his hotel door- now that the secret is out. Hes seeing cup-sizes, shes seeing dollar signs. Whats left for her? A spot on the Russian equivalent of -The Surreal Life?- Guys, before you start celebrating for Andrei, think again. The AK-47 has just been traded in for Jazz tickets.
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Either Masha Lopatova is the coolest chick to walk the face of the Earth or shes a sinister criminal mastermind. There is no middle ground on this one. Lopatova has granted her husband, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko, the allowance of one night per year to, ahem, enjoy the company of another woman. Most believe the man known as AK-47 (his jersey number is 47) has just struck the lottery. Incorrect! Buyer beware: this is merely a coy trap to put the safety on this assault rifle. 
