The Royals off season is reading like P. Diddy’s “Making the Band.” Plenty of potential candidates, lots of tears, no real talent. Another name was crossed off the list when ex-Kansas City pitcher Paul Byrd inked a two-year, $14 million
deal with Cleveland. Never mind Royals GM Allard Baird saved the $21 million he offered the 35-year-old Byrd. DA Show spies say Baird was weeping like a school girl who had her Bratz doll stolen.
Well, I’m targeting the most valuable gift on every GM’s holiday shopping list and hoping the Royals wise up and get the deal done. You need an innings-eating veteran pitcher who can steady a young rotation? Check. You’d like a face for next season’s marketing campaign? Check. Need you city free from terrorists? He’s got you covered. It’s Mets pitcher Kris Benson.
And his lovely wife Anna.
New York is rumored to be shopping the 31-year-old Benson, who’s set to make $7.5 million next season. Sure, Kris was a pedestrian 10-8, with a 4.13 ERA last season for the Mets. Ok, maybe he doesn’t quite fit into the Royals youth movement. But the key to the move is Anna. And make no mistake, they ARE a package deal. “We would never, ever have signed with New York if they had said they were going to trade us," wifey told the New York Daily News. “They wanted [veteran pitcher] Tommy [Glavine] to school him, and then they turn around and trade us?" she asked. "The whole thing is upsetting to everybody."
I’d say! Don’t the Mets understand what type of polished multi-tasker Benson is? According to her website, annabenson.net, “the minimal time that Anna has left is dedicated to managing her husband’s career and raising her three children.” Forget haggling with the likes of Scott Boras and the seedy agent underworld. If the Royals want to get this thing done, just text Anna’s pink Blackberry. She insists she closed the three-year, $22 million deal with the Mets, so fork over a pair of farmhands to be used as Anna's pool boys and an annual pass to Roca Salon & Spa on the Plaza. How hard is that?
Plus, the Royals could be adding a philanthropic and civic-minded star. Anna has contributed to the American Red Cross, Salvation Army and St. Barnabas Hospital (where apparently she was recovering from her latest botox injection). She has also lobbied for children’s rights on Capitol Hill and is described in her on-line bio as a “true humanitarian with a heart of gold... always trying to make life better for society.” And her pet Chihuaha, Ms. Sparkles!
Now, if the Royals play this correctly, they could steal the Bensons away from the Mets. New York is desperate to move them, hoping to distance itself from Anna’s reported upcoming spread in Playboy. But, Kansas City should be thinking of ways to capitalize on the publicity. Remember last year’s billboard slogans: “Royals Baseball. It’s All About...”? Well, why not make it all about Anna? Imagine seeing a 12-foot-high torso shot of a topless Mrs. Benson, with the tagline “It’s all about... turning two.” Who wouldn’t sign up for the Hy-Vee family pack?
On top of everything, the addition of Anna would mean a heightened security presence at Kauffman Stadium. Her personal charity, Benson’s Battalion, is a nonprofit organization devoted to fighting terrorism in local communities. Under Anna, the Battalion has assisted numerous emergency response groups through funding for equipment, supplies, and education, reports her website. Let's wipe out those damn Midwestern Al-Quaeda insugents at the Truman Sports Complex!
If that still doesn’t sell Baird on the potential of the Anna Benson era in Kansas City, let me be the first to remind him: Anna is, above all, a team player. Appearing on the Howard Stern Show last season, Mrs. Benson made it clear she’ll take one, or 25, for the team. “I told (Kris), cheat on me all you want,” Anna said. “If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team -- coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team. If I'm lining them up, I'll (also) circle into other teams. Whatever team he's playing, I will screw all them, too." That should seal it. We all know, the Royals desperately need to score every once in awhile.
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STAR WARS GEEKS: Part 2 Will DA make it out alive or turn into an extra from the Cantina Bar? INSTANT CLASSIC: Legend of the MMA Dan "Hendo" Henderson on the circus attraction to Kimbo and the rise of UFC. BEST OF: New UFC Champ Forrest Griffin on the belt and bouncing out of fighting while the gettin's good. INSTANT CLASSIC: Zo's youth clinic brings us immediate joy: Heat Kids Say the Darndest Things BEST OF: Miami boxer Joey "Twinkle Fingers" Hernandez found himself on the streets. How he got his mojo back. BEST OF: CBS4 Weather Wizard and Miss Florida Lissette Gonzalez on the jet-stream and the wave. BEST OF: Marino delivers a commencement speech and DA's own graduation horrors. INSTANT CLASSIC: Cats winger Nathan Horton is married to a Playmate? Oops. INSTANT CLASSIC: What does JoePa really mean at pressers? Ask Penn State 101. INSTANT CLASSIC: St. Patty's Day means celebrating Irish sports legends: DA Show style. INSTANT CLASSIC: Canes Big Man Dwayne Collins has his Aladdin DVD stolen. The Horror! INSTANT CLASSIC: Dontrelle says peace to South Florida with DA. Here's his Top-3 movies of all-time. SUPER BOWL XLII: NYG's Lawrence Tynes stops by after the ticker tape parade. INSTANT CLASSIC: Is Shaq becoming M.C. Hammer Jr? Say it ain't so. INSTANT CLASSIC: DA melts down as his alma mater brings brings back the dimwitted Greg Robinson for more SU pain. INSTANT CLASSIC: This placed DA squarely on the Chiefs blacklist forever. DA and King Carl in THE Battle Royale. BEST OF: Where it all started: Herm
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one, the only, Zach Greinke from Royals Spring Training. The
2007 One NIT NIT Moment.
The 2006 Caller Hall of Fame Track One: Christopher Walken's legendary roast
of the new class
First the staff. Then listeners. Now LJ has the Herm-gasm? Crazy
Ray sings the Growing Pains theme song. The
Royals 70's jingle that puts a smile on your face during another horrid season
in KC. The
local TV anchors slip up on the broadcast and luckily the D.A. Show was rolling
tape. 6-6-06:
The Crypt Keeper's Holiday Crazy
Ray displays his talent for singing. Could he make a run at the next American
Idol? Oklahoma
takes it on the chin with this famous call from R.B. Missed
any of the NIT NIT action? Check out the recaps of the games and a special
edition of The One NIT NIT Moment. We
couldn't leave Alex the Intern out of the mix, check out the drunk dial message
Alex left for D.A. The
D.A. Show tribute to Alan Thicke.
Is
Crazy Ray really crazy? Take a listen to find out.
A
D.A. Show Investigation reveals color commentators handing out the pink slip
to local college coaches.
Quinner's
feeling a bit down. We ask, what's wrong with Quinn Snyder? Herm Edwards gave us quotable material right from jump street. He gets a montage based on his introduction presser. A
staple of any good office party. It's the Dick Vermeil montage XP: final edition.
Duh, ok.
DA's Hometown Hottie contest created controversy throughout KC. Radio superstar Johnny Dare stuck his nose in the middle of it. The
callers finally had their own chance to put their stamp on the Vermeil montage Why
do the sista's hate the show? It all started here: Yvette's call of the day The original D.A. Show parody of Jim Rome's smack-off (circa '04). The '05 D.A. Show parody of Jim Rome's smack-off, complete with a certain national columnist. The '06 smack-smack, which brought all the D.A. Show legends together for one fab event. You asked for it. We delivered. DA Show icon Alan Thicke's first appearance.
The Royals off season is reading like P. Diddy’s “Making the Band.” Plenty of potential candidates, lots of tears, no real talent. Another name was crossed off the list when ex-Kansas City pitcher Paul Byrd inked a two-year, $14 million
deal with Cleveland. Never mind Royals GM Allard Baird saved the $21 million he offered the 35-year-old Byrd. DA Show spies say Baird was weeping like a school girl who had her Bratz doll stolen.
